Complimentary song: Surefire - Wilderado
Some days it feels like life moves much too fast. Other times I feel like I’m stuck in a neverending dream where time doesn’t exist and the days are endless. I don’t know which of these two I prefer to be honest.
When I was younger I wanted so much. I thought I’d be a doctor by now — well, not literally, but at least on my way to becoming one. Ever since I let that dream go years ago, life just feels empty. There is always this dread of failed, hopeless dreams that I haven’t pursued. And it’s not the same as regret; don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret the paths I didn’t choose to take, but I guess I’m mourning the optimism that my younger-self seemed to have.
I always tell others that it’s never too late to pursue your dreams. Luckily I wholeheartedly believe that. But what happens when you don’t know what your dream is anymore? Then what is there to chase, to fulfill? What is your purpose, what is mine? I have never been at peace with where I’ve been, but I seem to be chasing something that doesn’t exist. Maybe I shouldn’t chase anything at all. Perhaps that’s the lesson I have to learn, but it would be nice to feel purpose again. To feel like I’m headed for something.
I hope to soon find out what I truly want, what makes my heart happy. Somehow I feel like I owe it to younger-me to accomplish everything she wanted. That’s why I’m always doing a million things at a time, because I can’t fail her. It’s ridiculous, I know, but it’s hard to let go of it all. Who I once wanted to be.
So until I figure it out, I will be making memories. Collecting names and pictures and everything to hold onto when it all feels pointless. I shall be moving too quickly and too slow at the same time. Perhaps I’ll meet myself in the middle, which would make me right on time.